Tuesday, May 2, 2017

I long to be

I am writing a few days before I turn a year older, in my new apartment, while it is cold and rainy outside. It is May.

I've been meaning to put into words the past few months of my life, but when you find yourself in a cloud and you yourself can't even comprehend where you are, words are scattered and few.

I believe growth is essential. I believe change is what allows for growth, and so, is essential, too.
But I fear change. I fear what is not familiar, what is not comfortable; I fear the taking-away.

A month ago, I moved out to settle into my first apartment. I'm now away from the suburbs: a place that had become a strange familiarity and a quirky source of inspiration. This is a new layer to the woman I am becoming, a new lesson into the human I am growing to be. Inevitable.
Although, I thought that by now, I'd maybe be given the human handbook or know the rules to being an adult. But somehow, I feel I am still improvising. And probably always will be. And I've made the shocking adult realization that most of us are and always will be, too.

I am not only learning to be independent in my own home, but I am also about to learn to be independent in a country. In a week's time, my parents and my brother are moving out, too, and starting a new chapter of their own in the sunny state of California. I suppose the best way to learn how to fly is to jump into the void.

I fear change, I fear what is not familiar and not comfortable; I fear the taking-away.
But when I look fear in the eyes, it becomes no more.
So, I will look you in the eyes, fear. I will feel you fully, and I will let you go. As you don't belong to me.
I am then left with an odd feeling of excitement and hope for growth, and for what is to become. I'm excited for my parents and for my brother. I'm excited for my time here, however long that may be. To grow and build and overcome.

Because I've come to understand that you have to let winter come and be for spring to fully be, too. The old needs to die in order for the new to grow.
What is familiar needs to be shaken and sometimes taken away for life to truly take shape.

And I long so deeply to know what it is to be alive, in the midst of the uncomfortable, in the midst of what I do not know, in the midst of fear.

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