Thursday, January 8, 2015

You will become.

It's 2015 and 2015 makes me nervous.
Maybe it's the number, or maybe it's the "future", or perhaps the "I'm turning 25". Maybe it's the e-mails I have to respond to or the fact that I feel comfortable enough to go on a plane alone anywhere in the world. Maybe it's the strangers becoming friends, the people I miss and will continue to miss, maybe it's the feelings, the caring that I can't let go and maybe that scares me.
Maybe it's change. And decisions. And growing up.

It was 2014 and 2014 broke me.
I lived in another city for two months, because I missed the ocean and I missed my friends. I cried out of joy, and I cried out of hurt. And then I couldn't cry anymore. I felt like a fool, but I also felt cared for. I designed a shirt for the organization I bought every shirt from during my high school years. I moved, again. I discovered L.A. streets and tacos and horchata, and got stuck in a sand storm. I wrote, recorded, and co-produced a song with my sister, and we released it as our first single. I held on tightly, and struggled to let go. I let go. I watched my best friend marry the man she loves. I reminisced our friendship that day. It was beautiful, and I was so happy for you. I held my breath. I held back tears. I let myself grow up. I felt everything that love was. Both heavy and light. I went back to the city that felt that way, too. Heavy. And light. The one that held you and watched you go, breaking my heart and healing it, too. I questioned, I looked ahead, and I looked back. I felt whole, and I felt alone. I let you in and I let you out. I feared and hoped and took courage.

2014 broke me, and I am grateful.
I let myself feel pain and joy and anger and forgiveness.
I let myself be fragile and strong. I let myself be right, and wrong.
I let myself be human.

It's 2015 and 2015 makes me nervous.
And that's okay.
I'm learning, still.

"You will become," You tell me.
"You will become."

3 comments:

Christopher Mueller said...

Here's to the great and beautiful unknown...

Marta Palomera said...

I loved it!! :)

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