Monday, December 13, 2010

a human need.

hello dear friends,
it has been a while, hasn't it?

yes, i believe so. and i have missed this...
writing out what my heart looks like - this.

my first half of first year university has come to an end,
and it's been quite the adventure.

i am glad to take this festive time to rest the brain and the creativity.

now that time has become more available,
i am finding myself pondering over every aspect of life.

rest the brain...or so i thought.

the year is coming to a close, and i can't help but look back...
not in regret, but in awe.

all that my heart has gone through, and all that my mind has fought through -
all to lead me here.

and here, in this very moment, is a messy, but beautiful place.

i realize that being human is difficult.
the human heart is demanding, needy, and afraid.
it feels often alone, which leads to a need for affection.
and this cannot always be offered.

...which leaves the heart hanging.

and i have found myself, these past few days, afraid to face my heart for this very reason.
it's like i don't want to look at my heart in the eyes, because i'm afraid of what i will see.

...or of what will look back at me.

i have fought and won over so many fears in the last 4 years.
but i still fear.
i'm still afraid of what i care about the most.
i'm still afraid of losing whom i care about the most.

i'm in awe of how strong God has made me and my heart.
i'm in awe that He has made my weakness my strength.
i look back and see a fainting heart - a heart that labeled itself "Worry",
and had strong ties with "Fear".
i look back and see sleepless nights with tears - many of them - for my heart was calling out.

this was years ago.

and today, i am still being worked on.
i am still human.

i am still needy.
i am still afraid.

but one thing is different.

i know who i am.
i know i am loved.

i know He's here.
and i will be okay.

and that is enough.
let that be enough.

...tonight my heart remains messy. but it's going through cleaning.
and sometimes, the process is painful.

i am facing my human desires and i am learning how to handle them.

i am learning what it's like to love, and be loved.
i am learning what it's like to need somebody, and be needed in return.
i am learning what it means to desire someone, and be desired back.

all for the first time.

i am learning what it's like to be human, and breathe like one.
to walk in the dark, knowing there is light, where the unknown lies.

i don't know what next year looks like.
i don't know.

actually, i don't know many things.

but what makes this messy journey beautiful is the very fact that i am not alone.
that i have a Lover, a builder, and a comforter by my side - always.
who would do anything for me.
and who guides me, when i am lost.
who fights my fights, when i am weak.

who loves me, when i don't deserve it.

God amazes me.

not only will He love me, but He will bring other humans in my life to love me, too.

and we learn how to be human - together.

so tonight, i leave you my heart, in hope that your heart will find hope, too.
you are loved. please keep in mind. you
are loved.


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