Monday, August 30, 2010

Oh, What love!

if i thought of one more thing, my heart would stop.
it is in such state of overwhelm, i don't know where to begin.

the room is black, and i like it best this way.
it allows me no distraction, and i can stare into space and feel free to imagine whatever i like before me. i can see my thoughts, i can see my future, and i can see Him so clearly.

ironic how it is in the dark that i feel most close to Him sometimes.
i suppose that's when the natural has no relevance; my heart is probably very bright at this moment. and i can't see it. because it's something beyond natural.

before me, i see words spoken over me. "fame", "crowds", "like hillsong".
i see the stages; i see the audiences.
i hear the potential love songs, and the songs of praise and hope.
i see the hearts and the lives i will encounter.
i imagine the faces - their eyes.
i see Him holding me, all through. giving me strength, reminding me of the beauty within me; of my value, of my worth. i see Him carrying me, when the world pushes me down.

...i see Him.

i see my life. as it is today. tonight.
i remember where i came from. the mess i was. the new i am.
and i sit, speechless. without words.
and i am one to always have a word.
but this time, i have nothing...

i sit here wondering what i did to deserve such destiny.
such desires. such dreams.
who am i that You are mindful of me?
who am i that You would pick me up from the dirty grounds and make me like a Queen?
who am i...O Lover of my soul?

nations? You have for me songs to sing - for nations?

...i am a week away from starting OCADU...i have been writing about my journey until now; writing about my desires to be there, my preparations, my fears.
and i am now a week away from the beginning of something new.
of something You've been preparing me for.

O Lord, i will need You. i will need Your love, Your strength, Your power.
do not abandon me, please.
i will need you.
i need you.

i need.

i'm in tears thinking over what You have done for me these good 20 years.
...and i am in tears awaiting this new season.

You never let go. Oh, Your love never fails. You are good - great, actually.


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