Monday, August 30, 2010

Oh, What love!

if i thought of one more thing, my heart would stop.
it is in such state of overwhelm, i don't know where to begin.

the room is black, and i like it best this way.
it allows me no distraction, and i can stare into space and feel free to imagine whatever i like before me. i can see my thoughts, i can see my future, and i can see Him so clearly.

ironic how it is in the dark that i feel most close to Him sometimes.
i suppose that's when the natural has no relevance; my heart is probably very bright at this moment. and i can't see it. because it's something beyond natural.

before me, i see words spoken over me. "fame", "crowds", "like hillsong".
i see the stages; i see the audiences.
i hear the potential love songs, and the songs of praise and hope.
i see the hearts and the lives i will encounter.
i imagine the faces - their eyes.
i see Him holding me, all through. giving me strength, reminding me of the beauty within me; of my value, of my worth. i see Him carrying me, when the world pushes me down.

...i see Him.

i see my life. as it is today. tonight.
i remember where i came from. the mess i was. the new i am.
and i sit, speechless. without words.
and i am one to always have a word.
but this time, i have nothing...

i sit here wondering what i did to deserve such destiny.
such desires. such dreams.
who am i that You are mindful of me?
who am i that You would pick me up from the dirty grounds and make me like a Queen?
who am i...O Lover of my soul?

nations? You have for me songs to sing - for nations?

...i am a week away from starting OCADU...i have been writing about my journey until now; writing about my desires to be there, my preparations, my fears.
and i am now a week away from the beginning of something new.
of something You've been preparing me for.

O Lord, i will need You. i will need Your love, Your strength, Your power.
do not abandon me, please.
i will need you.
i need you.

i need.

i'm in tears thinking over what You have done for me these good 20 years.
...and i am in tears awaiting this new season.

You never let go. Oh, Your love never fails. You are good - great, actually.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

where do i go when there's no where else to go?

i find so much peace in writing here. looking back on the first posts, i realize so much.
i see such change. such maturity. and i cannot help but joyfully await what is to come.

i feel as though writing these posts are a way to tell myself i will be okay.
as if God was speaking through these very words, along my side.
as if this were the very home of my thoughts; i could lose everything, but my words will remain.
and so will He.
and that is a comfort to me.

the past week has been a week of surfacing and dealing with.
of wounds and healing. of unclean and clean.
a week of the heart. unhealthy turning healthy.
a week of understanding.

i enjoy these heart clean-ups. as messy as they get, the outcome is worth every tear.

i ponder over time. over age and life. over prodical sons - and daughters.
i'm afraid of time. i'm afraid that time will fly by and i will have stood here, watching it go by.
i'm afraid my dreams will not have been pursued by next year.
that i will be in the same place as i am today. and my desires will remain thoughts.
but somehow, i am reminded that there is light on the path.
i would say 'at the end of the tunnel', but there is no end to this journey.
and light is always around. not only at the end, but within as well.

prodical sons, i've been thinking about you.
the Father will celebrate over his Son. over his Daughter.
no matter how far away they have gone. no matter how deep.
no matter the mistakes, the wounds, the hurt. no matter the lies. no matter the mess.
the Father will stand, looking you in the eyes. with tears. and you - you will stand too. with tears.
with burdens. with scars. and shame.
but the Father will only; his Son - his Daughter. a beauty beyond compare; golden.
a precious heart with priceless value. and worth the wait.
he will see in you his very own. and he will call you once again "my Beloved".
and he will drop everything and run to you, wrapping his arms around you.
crying out to you, "Son, welcome home."
"Daughter, welcome home, once again." is this that brings me speechless.
such love. such grace. such longing.

i think of the people in my life i desire for this to happen.
for their welcome homes.
for their encounter with Love. for their encounter with Him.

i also think of my own heart. of my desire for that "airport scene" with my future love.
yes, it's been one of those cheesy desires since young. but i realize why so many of us are in longing of such love. simply, we reflect His heart. His desires.
yes, the God who breathes stars, who brings life. the God who designs trees and clouds.
that same God wants an airport scene with us. with us.

...and still, He awaits...He awaits.

so where do i go when there's no where else to go?
i go to Him.
...i go home.


Monday, August 9, 2010

the stars are shining tonight.

i wish i knew what the next 6 months looked like.
i wish it were easier to be with you.
i wish i could see through you.
i wish i could see right from wrong like black and white.
i wish every girl would know their identity. in Him.
i wish every boy would know how important they are.
i wish i could do everything i want to at once. with variations of me.
i wish everything i've always wanted to tell the world would be said.
i wish it were easier to show Him to you.
and i wish you'd see Him like i do.
sometimes, i think back and cannot believe the person i used to be.
and wonder how such mess got into me.
i want to be more perserverant, but sometimes get too lazy
and that frustrates me more than anything.
i wish i would complete things more.
i wonder what made me believe you valued me.
i wish you knew just how amazing you are,
but i guess the time isn't right yet.
i want to believe i feel Him all the time,
but truth be told i am human and sometimes forget Him.
it breaks me to think so.
sometimes, i wish i was a child again. and time would stay still.
just know i'll wait as long as it takes for you.
i just needed to do this.
as tonight is a night of thoughts.
and this is my home.
for thoughts.

please don't ever let go...