Monday, July 19, 2010

desires, desires.


i'm living interesting days. days of hope, days of questions, days of dreams, days of fighting...

i'm finding myself split in half, where one part of me is fighting against the other.
...it's not a lovely place to be at...and i don't think that ever changes.
we're always going to find ourselves in battle with something or someone else.
and most of the time, that someone else is ourselves.

i am realizing how perserverence and courage are such key to this battle.
if i let myself go into patterns of apathy and slumber, i will only find myself in much greater frustration and dead-ends.
and this - this is not an option.
i have all these dreams - dreams of moving the world, dreams of creating paintings and clothing and explosions of color that will refresh minds, dreams of speaking to multitudes and out of His words through me, walls would break.
i have all these dreams, and yet, this fight within me is keeping me locked up.
and i have days i believe i will never come out.

...but of course, these are lies. and lies i don't follow.

but i won't deny it, it's hard. it's hard living each day pushing through your own thoughts and flesh to get to that place of satisfaction - to get to that place where you believe and know that something will come out of all this, something that will make you say, "Wow, this is what i've been waiting for all this time. This is my calling. This is my place."
after the visions, and dreams, and words, i cannot help but ask God "when?".

...it will come...it will come...

even through this battle between flesh and spirit, i am still able to find that place of peace and call out to my Daddy and say, as his precious little daughter, that 'Daddy - i trust You.'

we're also in this bittersweet place, the heart and i. a door closes and another opens, and i walk in. and i find my heart fragile and open. and i'm able to see what's inside.
inside are fears, doubts, more fears, hopes, joys, sadness, and desires.

and i lie in bed every night in desperation to give these up to the One who wants them all, because i cannot do it on my own. i really can't. my heart is not strong enough...
i am desiring something i don't have answers to yet. i am desiring something out of reach.
like the nights i reach out for the stars and am unable to grab them.

...i am realizing how difficult it is to put into words what my heart feels, because what is before me is still unclear. and i desperately want to see - clearly see.
i have found fears of being alone, within me. fears of being rejected and left abandoned. fears of being wrong. and let down again.
i have decided to kick them out, and simply trust the peace i have also found within me. a peace greater than anything i have felt. a peace i recognize. a peace i call 'good'.

i wish i were able to see what the future looks like...but because i cannot, i will simply live hand in hand with the One who knows, trusting that he is guiding me where i should be, day by day.

...i'm still trying to understand what is being created...
...but that will all bloom in its right time...

i'm just amazed by what is before me...
and sometimes find myself wondering what i did to deserve this.

i just hope this is good fruit...

...i'm going to end this now, before my heart-spillage makes a mess...and before this turns into the chapter of a book. ha. goodnight fellow friends.

- melody.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hey! i just wanted to say you: i wish you God's amazing blessings! you are wonderful, do you know that? :D everytime i read your posts, i feel much better, and i see more hope!
i wish you all the best!! isy from luxemburg hrhr