Thursday, April 15, 2010

You are God. and i am still.

i think no other place right now can be as helpful as here.
and here is where i will be, spilling my heart. out onto a table like a full glass spilling.
...yeah.

i'm going to make this very honest, which might make me very vulnerable and fragile; but i'm willing to take the risk.

these past few days/weeks have been kind of hard.
i mean, i'm able to laugh, smile, and make you believe that i've got it all together.

when inside, my heart is just crying.
and truthfully, there are bits of me that don't know why.

i'm mostly indoors, at home, waiting on replies from job openings. or i'm designing.
...or i find myself pondering over everything and anything...
leaving my brain to be in such a mess sometimes.

i want to ask God why i'm being left here doing very little - when he clearly knows that my heart is desiring so many things.
i want to be transfered to heaven at this very moment so that i can physically and tangibly feel his arms around me.
and for that one moment out of time, i would be abe to feel like everything will be 100% okay.

i find myself sitting on my couch sometimes and just feeling so awefully alone.

...even though, i know that i am not...

i just held OCAD's letter of acceptance in my hands about an hour ago and i haven't felt so scared reading something in a very long time. any amount of money just makes me feel incredibly trapped.

argh.

i want to trust God, and i do! i trust him. i trust him. i trust him. with all of this.
but my heart is screaming "WHEN". just when is this all going to come through!?
...it's so hard to live day by day, being pressured to live like the world and in my parents' eyes, to be seen like someone who is doing very little and trying very little...
it's so tough.

...but i'm holding on to Him...as hard and terrifying as it can be, i am...

and the midst of it all, i will say "You are good. You are good."

sometimes, it's just hard even feeling His presence...

i just want to feel joy...unconditional joy...

...i want to end this, saying that God - your promises are all true. if one is true, then all are true.
so i will take you at your word when you say you are provider.
i will take you at your word when you call yourself the restorer.

i look you in the eyes...and i am still. i am quiet. and i am knowing You. are God.

i love you all, and i appreciate any kind of prayer from you and any word of encouragement.
you are all so wonderful.

- melody.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey! je t'écris en francais, comme j'ai du mal en anglais ;)
je lis souvent tes messages ici, et à chaque fois ça me fait du bien! :)
moi même je passe par des moments difficiles, mais je voulais te dire que Dieu a un plan pour toi. hihi je suppose que tu le sais, mais parfois moi non plus je ne sais pas à quoi ces moments difficiles servent, mais Dieu te réserve à toi quelque chose de speciale, car TU es spéciale, tu es une créature merveilleuse!! c'est facile à dire des mots comme ca, j'en suis consciente, mais je te souhaite tout le courage, et la force! que Dieu te bénisse richemenet! J'espere que tu trouveras tres tres vite un job! je te le souhaite de tout coeur.
blessings from luxemburg :)
isy

Jessica Heather said...

Melody,
You are beautiful, insightful and intentional. Know that God is on your side. hemming you in from behind and going before you.
God is not a man that he would lie. There is breakthrough for a job and this time of waiting is limited.
Enjoy being in the meantime and know that you don't go unnoticed, that you're not forgotten and that seasons do have ends:)
Love ya bunches. Keep writing!