Saturday, December 25, 2010

a merry christmas.

december 25th.

the day many of us look forward to the most,
and for some, it is the worst day of the year.

i wonder if Jesus knew that his very birth would become...this.

a day of pine trees, wrapped boxes, rushes to the mall, songs of santa's and reindeers, and tacky sweater parties.

let us not forget the eggnog, gingerbread houses, and the turkey.

...i wonder if on that very night, God dreamt of this December 25th.
i wonder...

i'm sitting here, and it is 12:03 am.
so, i guess Christmas is over.


that's it. that's all. it's done.


on that one night, something happened -
that changed the world.
that changed hearts.
that changed minds.
that changed history.
that changed life;
the beginning of new life.

it was quiet and peaceful.
and yet, the heavens and hells were shaking.

he opened his eyes, and breathed as a baby for the first time.
and in that moment, Love was now a part of us.
it was no longer unknown and unseen;
it now had a face.
Love had come down to be with us.


the angels spoke of his arrival.
the stars celebrated.

that night - the night a King was born,
without a home,
already wanted - to be killed,
alive just to die...

that night,
Love was among them.

and Love still is.

so, are you still excited over santa claus and gingerbread houses?

or would you perhaps rather celebrate Love among us,
and with those around us?

perhaps, Love is what will make our hearts joyous
and glad?

and so perhaps, even if today you were to be alone living the worst day of the year,
your joy would be complete - knowing Love came down tonight...


God with us.
Love with us.
...for God is love.

God is love...


see, Jesus didn't become like us on that night,
he already was - before creating us.
as you see, he created us in his image;
in the way he was.

but he accepted and chose to take part in our mess,
become human from the beginning,
go through the fears and the temptations,
and no longer be 100% by his Daddy's side.

just so we no longer need to be alone.
just so we finally see what Love looks like.
just so we finally have Love among us.

december 25th. a reminder to us that Love matters.
and that we are not alone.

it's not over.

it's simply a reminder,
of that one night
that changed the world.

"God sent his Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but to save the world." - John 3:17

and a merry christmas to you all,

with much love,

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


what would you say if the entire world was staring into your eyes,

i've been waiting to write these words - perhaps a little too long.

i find it difficult to blog. like painting. there's always a perfect picture in the mind, but the result on canvas is not always the way i intend it - and it loses its "perfect" touch.


of course.

this is my problem.

i wait for that moment when the words will be perfectly written, when the picture will be perfectly painted, and i wait, and nothing is done. because perfect never comes.

the world seems to call this 'procrastination'.
when we wait, and wait, and wait for the "perfect" timing to do something...
...but it never comes.

never comes...

i guess i want to portray my heart in the most real and honest way possible,
and i'm afraid to be unsuccessful in doing so.

but i hope you enjoy these words.
it's the best i can do.

christmas is 3 days away.
8 days away from the last day of 2010.

i want to look back, but get so overwhelmed when i do so.
there is so much to look at. so much to admire.
so many shifts, so many changes.
the heart has gone through so many questions and answers this year.

i remember the beginning of the year, and where i stood, what was comfort, what felt home.
i remember the prayers, the thoughts, and the wishes.
i remember the tears over what i thought to be true, and over Truth.
i remember the loves, and the self-doubts.
i remember the fears, and the broken hearts.

i remember the joys, and the amazements.
i remember the impossible becoming possible.
and how in love with God that made me.
i remember stepping into the first few doors of what will be my destiny.
and how incredible that felt.

i remember 2010. i felt apart a lot. but it's what opened up my heart,
and it's what allowed Love in.

i can only change if the old dies.
it's been a year of that.


and life.

so, i look back, and am satisfied.
more than satisfied.

a few years from now, i will look back again,
and say: 2010, you've been good.
you were needed.
you were important.
you were the beginning of what is now.
you were, and i am glad.

out of pain - out of all the tears and so-called-misery - comes a song.
comes words that will impact a heart. and that heart will impact another.
and slowly, every earthly heart will have met.
and they will be impacted.

because of pain.
because one cried, and wrote.

if i were to tell something to the world, i would give them my heart.
in words.
to be real and honest is okay,
i would tell them to be in pain is okay,
because it is what leads to the desire of hope -
a hope greater than the stars.

and hope is the very reason we Love.
because we put our full faith in what is unseen,
and believe and know it is true.

so, my friends, as 2010 comes to a close, i tell you this:

be real.
don't be afraid.
be honest, and see.
look for Love, beyond what is seen.

look for it in the homeless, look for it in the messy and uncomfortable,
look for it.

and you will find it.
be amazed.
because it will change your life.

the way it has mine.

and we will meet again on christmas.

- melody.

Monday, December 13, 2010

a human need.

hello dear friends,
it has been a while, hasn't it?

yes, i believe so. and i have missed this...
writing out what my heart looks like - this.

my first half of first year university has come to an end,
and it's been quite the adventure.

i am glad to take this festive time to rest the brain and the creativity.

now that time has become more available,
i am finding myself pondering over every aspect of life.

rest the brain...or so i thought.

the year is coming to a close, and i can't help but look back...
not in regret, but in awe.

all that my heart has gone through, and all that my mind has fought through -
all to lead me here.

and here, in this very moment, is a messy, but beautiful place.

i realize that being human is difficult.
the human heart is demanding, needy, and afraid.
it feels often alone, which leads to a need for affection.
and this cannot always be offered.

...which leaves the heart hanging.

and i have found myself, these past few days, afraid to face my heart for this very reason.
it's like i don't want to look at my heart in the eyes, because i'm afraid of what i will see.

...or of what will look back at me.

i have fought and won over so many fears in the last 4 years.
but i still fear.
i'm still afraid of what i care about the most.
i'm still afraid of losing whom i care about the most.

i'm in awe of how strong God has made me and my heart.
i'm in awe that He has made my weakness my strength.
i look back and see a fainting heart - a heart that labeled itself "Worry",
and had strong ties with "Fear".
i look back and see sleepless nights with tears - many of them - for my heart was calling out.

this was years ago.

and today, i am still being worked on.
i am still human.

i am still needy.
i am still afraid.

but one thing is different.

i know who i am.
i know i am loved.

i know He's here.
and i will be okay.

and that is enough.
let that be enough.

...tonight my heart remains messy. but it's going through cleaning.
and sometimes, the process is painful.

i am facing my human desires and i am learning how to handle them.

i am learning what it's like to love, and be loved.
i am learning what it's like to need somebody, and be needed in return.
i am learning what it means to desire someone, and be desired back.

all for the first time.

i am learning what it's like to be human, and breathe like one.
to walk in the dark, knowing there is light, where the unknown lies.

i don't know what next year looks like.
i don't know.

actually, i don't know many things.

but what makes this messy journey beautiful is the very fact that i am not alone.
that i have a Lover, a builder, and a comforter by my side - always.
who would do anything for me.
and who guides me, when i am lost.
who fights my fights, when i am weak.

who loves me, when i don't deserve it.

God amazes me.

not only will He love me, but He will bring other humans in my life to love me, too.

and we learn how to be human - together.

so tonight, i leave you my heart, in hope that your heart will find hope, too.
you are loved. please keep in mind. you
are loved.


Friday, October 15, 2010

go do.

time is most definitely flying.

i come to these places with myself at times, where everything within me is raging against the other piece of me (which i am trying my best to decrease).

and i feel frustration.
anger, too.

you know when there is a lion inside of you - or perhaps a river - and it's meant to come out, but you keep it within.
and you think you are doing what is right by keeping it inside, when truly all it wants to do is gush out!

i have been doing that. keeping the treasures of my heart locked in. keeping the desires inside, and preventing them to come out.
i feel like the creativity inside is dying to become alive (how ironic).
i feel like the words inside are craving for a home.
i feel like the dreams within are moments away from reality, but can't seem trust they are.

it's a constant fight.
and sometimes, we get too caught up with wanting to win, that we forget to just be.
we forget to live.

and this is what always gets me.
maybe the whole reason one side of me is fighting with the other is to keep me from living...

often, it wins.
ironic, right?
i'm so consumed by winning, that in the process, i lose.

oh, sneaky one.

i come to realize that no matter the fight inside, i need to keep running. i need to keep breathing. and i need to keep living.
i need to do the things i love, dream and do, document everything, be in the moment.
and no matter the pain, there is joy nonetheless.

there is joy,

note to self: do not stop dreaming. dream, and go do.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

just for now.

oh how wonderful it feels to be back here in words.

there is so much to say, and yet i don't really know where to start.
i've started school at ocad university, and it's been a delight - truly.
i love the classes, the people, and just the environment.
it's quite the workload, thus why these blog posts have been in lack.

despite school, life is interesting - well more like exciting.

i am reminded over and over again to work on my own music.
i really should.
and i will.

God's just been blowing me away with the responses and connections he link me to.
now, i just need to receive and run for it.

i can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be known.
i mean, that's just crazy.

and yet, i have that potential.
it's just a matter of spitting it out.

i also feel that i'm slowly walking into a completely new place in life.
i don't know if my heart is ready for what is ahead...but i truly desire this.
i want this.
i want this so much.
desiring to belong to someone can be such a scary thought.
i don't know what to expect, and i find that i haven't found myself in fear yet (a good thing, yes!) but it's difficult.
oh, so difficult.

i kind of wished this were different.
just a little though.

...God, i am so trusting You on this one.
most definitely not something i want to tackle on my own.

...anyways, my fellow friends, the bed is calling my name.
i am hoping to write more.
perhaps with a little more excitement next time.

have a good night.

- melody.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Oh, What love!

if i thought of one more thing, my heart would stop.
it is in such state of overwhelm, i don't know where to begin.

the room is black, and i like it best this way.
it allows me no distraction, and i can stare into space and feel free to imagine whatever i like before me. i can see my thoughts, i can see my future, and i can see Him so clearly.

ironic how it is in the dark that i feel most close to Him sometimes.
i suppose that's when the natural has no relevance; my heart is probably very bright at this moment. and i can't see it. because it's something beyond natural.

before me, i see words spoken over me. "fame", "crowds", "like hillsong".
i see the stages; i see the audiences.
i hear the potential love songs, and the songs of praise and hope.
i see the hearts and the lives i will encounter.
i imagine the faces - their eyes.
i see Him holding me, all through. giving me strength, reminding me of the beauty within me; of my value, of my worth. i see Him carrying me, when the world pushes me down.

...i see Him.

i see my life. as it is today. tonight.
i remember where i came from. the mess i was. the new i am.
and i sit, speechless. without words.
and i am one to always have a word.
but this time, i have nothing...

i sit here wondering what i did to deserve such destiny.
such desires. such dreams.
who am i that You are mindful of me?
who am i that You would pick me up from the dirty grounds and make me like a Queen?
who am i...O Lover of my soul?

nations? You have for me songs to sing - for nations?

...i am a week away from starting OCADU...i have been writing about my journey until now; writing about my desires to be there, my preparations, my fears.
and i am now a week away from the beginning of something new.
of something You've been preparing me for.

O Lord, i will need You. i will need Your love, Your strength, Your power.
do not abandon me, please.
i will need you.
i need you.

i need.

i'm in tears thinking over what You have done for me these good 20 years.
...and i am in tears awaiting this new season.

You never let go. Oh, Your love never fails. You are good - great, actually.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

where do i go when there's no where else to go?

i find so much peace in writing here. looking back on the first posts, i realize so much.
i see such change. such maturity. and i cannot help but joyfully await what is to come.

i feel as though writing these posts are a way to tell myself i will be okay.
as if God was speaking through these very words, along my side.
as if this were the very home of my thoughts; i could lose everything, but my words will remain.
and so will He.
and that is a comfort to me.

the past week has been a week of surfacing and dealing with.
of wounds and healing. of unclean and clean.
a week of the heart. unhealthy turning healthy.
a week of understanding.

i enjoy these heart clean-ups. as messy as they get, the outcome is worth every tear.

i ponder over time. over age and life. over prodical sons - and daughters.
i'm afraid of time. i'm afraid that time will fly by and i will have stood here, watching it go by.
i'm afraid my dreams will not have been pursued by next year.
that i will be in the same place as i am today. and my desires will remain thoughts.
but somehow, i am reminded that there is light on the path.
i would say 'at the end of the tunnel', but there is no end to this journey.
and light is always around. not only at the end, but within as well.

prodical sons, i've been thinking about you.
the Father will celebrate over his Son. over his Daughter.
no matter how far away they have gone. no matter how deep.
no matter the mistakes, the wounds, the hurt. no matter the lies. no matter the mess.
the Father will stand, looking you in the eyes. with tears. and you - you will stand too. with tears.
with burdens. with scars. and shame.
but the Father will only; his Son - his Daughter. a beauty beyond compare; golden.
a precious heart with priceless value. and worth the wait.
he will see in you his very own. and he will call you once again "my Beloved".
and he will drop everything and run to you, wrapping his arms around you.
crying out to you, "Son, welcome home."
"Daughter, welcome home, once again." is this that brings me speechless.
such love. such grace. such longing.

i think of the people in my life i desire for this to happen.
for their welcome homes.
for their encounter with Love. for their encounter with Him.

i also think of my own heart. of my desire for that "airport scene" with my future love.
yes, it's been one of those cheesy desires since young. but i realize why so many of us are in longing of such love. simply, we reflect His heart. His desires.
yes, the God who breathes stars, who brings life. the God who designs trees and clouds.
that same God wants an airport scene with us. with us.

...and still, He awaits...He awaits.

so where do i go when there's no where else to go?
i go to Him.
...i go home.


Monday, August 9, 2010

the stars are shining tonight.

i wish i knew what the next 6 months looked like.
i wish it were easier to be with you.
i wish i could see through you.
i wish i could see right from wrong like black and white.
i wish every girl would know their identity. in Him.
i wish every boy would know how important they are.
i wish i could do everything i want to at once. with variations of me.
i wish everything i've always wanted to tell the world would be said.
i wish it were easier to show Him to you.
and i wish you'd see Him like i do.
sometimes, i think back and cannot believe the person i used to be.
and wonder how such mess got into me.
i want to be more perserverant, but sometimes get too lazy
and that frustrates me more than anything.
i wish i would complete things more.
i wonder what made me believe you valued me.
i wish you knew just how amazing you are,
but i guess the time isn't right yet.
i want to believe i feel Him all the time,
but truth be told i am human and sometimes forget Him.
it breaks me to think so.
sometimes, i wish i was a child again. and time would stay still.
just know i'll wait as long as it takes for you.
i just needed to do this.
as tonight is a night of thoughts.
and this is my home.
for thoughts.

please don't ever let go...

Monday, July 26, 2010

"don't forget to dream"

i'm having a moment that my heart has truly been crying out for - for quite some time now.

there will always be things, thoughts, passions that are going to bring your heart to life.
whether through tears, dreams, day-dreams, or an undeniable pull - something will bring you to life. and in that moment, you will feel like everything is possible. like your biggest and craziest desires can and will come through.
and that, i believe, is the way we were intended to be - fully alive.

i grew up with big dreams. dreams of taking on the stage, dreams of becoming an inspiration, or dreams of bringing hope where all hope is lost. i want to be bigger than myself.
and the only one who can live through me, greater than me, is He. my wonderful rescuer.
...and i can't even grasp this truth, that these dreams of mine have always been His, and because they are His, they are truth. making these dreams tangible; real.
my dreams are real. ...
they are truth.
they are possible.
they can happen.
my dreams are real and possible.

...i can't grasp that. it's just bigger than me.
and it makes the journey all that more exciting!

tonight, i was watching a (super good) show and my heart re-awakened.
all my dreams, my visions, the words spoken to me, my inspirations, my desires, my passions came running full speed directly back to me. and i couldn't help but be overwhelmed.

it was one of those moments where it all made sense. where i could see beyond myself and be in awe of what my future days could look like. where my heart had a reason once again. a reason to be.
i don't want to lose this. i don't want to lose this perspective. this undeniable pull. this reason to be. i want to run after this with all of me. and break all the walls.
and the best part? it's already been prepared for me.

all i am to do is trust. walk with my hand in His and know that He is good. and that our hearts beat to the same rhythm. and that together, God and i - we will be okay. more than okay.
and we will change the world together.
and i will be alive.
alive, is where i want to be.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." - Oscar Wilde.

don't forget to dream. and know that they can be real. if you allow them to be.

- melody.

Monday, July 19, 2010

desires, desires.

i'm living interesting days. days of hope, days of questions, days of dreams, days of fighting...

i'm finding myself split in half, where one part of me is fighting against the other.'s not a lovely place to be at...and i don't think that ever changes.
we're always going to find ourselves in battle with something or someone else.
and most of the time, that someone else is ourselves.

i am realizing how perserverence and courage are such key to this battle.
if i let myself go into patterns of apathy and slumber, i will only find myself in much greater frustration and dead-ends.
and this - this is not an option.
i have all these dreams - dreams of moving the world, dreams of creating paintings and clothing and explosions of color that will refresh minds, dreams of speaking to multitudes and out of His words through me, walls would break.
i have all these dreams, and yet, this fight within me is keeping me locked up.
and i have days i believe i will never come out.

...but of course, these are lies. and lies i don't follow.

but i won't deny it, it's hard. it's hard living each day pushing through your own thoughts and flesh to get to that place of satisfaction - to get to that place where you believe and know that something will come out of all this, something that will make you say, "Wow, this is what i've been waiting for all this time. This is my calling. This is my place."
after the visions, and dreams, and words, i cannot help but ask God "when?". will will come...

even through this battle between flesh and spirit, i am still able to find that place of peace and call out to my Daddy and say, as his precious little daughter, that 'Daddy - i trust You.'

we're also in this bittersweet place, the heart and i. a door closes and another opens, and i walk in. and i find my heart fragile and open. and i'm able to see what's inside.
inside are fears, doubts, more fears, hopes, joys, sadness, and desires.

and i lie in bed every night in desperation to give these up to the One who wants them all, because i cannot do it on my own. i really can't. my heart is not strong enough...
i am desiring something i don't have answers to yet. i am desiring something out of reach.
like the nights i reach out for the stars and am unable to grab them.

...i am realizing how difficult it is to put into words what my heart feels, because what is before me is still unclear. and i desperately want to see - clearly see.
i have found fears of being alone, within me. fears of being rejected and left abandoned. fears of being wrong. and let down again.
i have decided to kick them out, and simply trust the peace i have also found within me. a peace greater than anything i have felt. a peace i recognize. a peace i call 'good'.

i wish i were able to see what the future looks like...but because i cannot, i will simply live hand in hand with the One who knows, trusting that he is guiding me where i should be, day by day.

...i'm still trying to understand what is being created...
...but that will all bloom in its right time...

i'm just amazed by what is before me...
and sometimes find myself wondering what i did to deserve this.

i just hope this is good fruit...

...i'm going to end this now, before my heart-spillage makes a mess...and before this turns into the chapter of a book. ha. goodnight fellow friends.

- melody.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

"because you have considered my life precious..."

i'm in a mood to write, as i have been reading over essays from high school.
sometimes, i find myself unable to recognize my own writing; i feel like i'm reading someone else's work.
it's a weird thing.

so, in my previous post, i wanted to mention something about seeing people in a different way, but i thought it'd be a much better plan if i left the topic for its own post.
...and its own post it has indeed!

i am attempting to go through the old testament in its entirety.
and to be honest, it's one of the most fun things to read.
so many adventures, miracles, inspirational examples, and passion.
it's most definitely refreshing and encouraging. (i recommend it)

lately, i've been reading the Samuels - Samuel, David, Saul, etc...
and David's story with Saul just blows my mind.

Saul is the king attempting to kill David.
David finds Saul in his sleep.
his opportunity to kill Saul and protect himself is right before him.
his men are ready to attack.

yet, David commands them not to.
and says these words, "don't destroy him! who can lay a hand on the Lord's anointed and be guiltless?..." (1 sam:9)
argh - this wrecks me all the time...
anointed?! David can still see Saul as an antointed man, even though he has disobeyed God and followed his own path - not to mention, hates David and wants to destroy him.
...that's most definitely strength.

reading this made me think.
we're so quick to point out the smallest faults in others; sometimes, we even wait for the fault to come out, just to say "HA, see!?"
i'm so guilty of this. ...but am working on it! greatly working on it.
David not only did this once, but twice.
and both times, let Saul go.

there's something about seeing people in such a "golden" way...
there's something about seeing the "anointed" in a thief. in a robber. in a murderer.
there's something about seeing the "anointed" in our friends and family.
there's something about seeing the "precious" in the broken, in the failures, in the liar.

...David might not have transformed Saul's life out of his action...
...and many times, we won't either.

but there's something about seeing the "precious", the "anointed" that transforms us instead.
it's being able to find the diamond in the dirt, the beauty in the mess, the truth among the lies that will bring us a sense of freedom. and perhaps, a sense of purpose.
it's being able to see someone guilty of mistake and say, "you're golden".
it's being able to see a liar, and say, "there is truth in you."
it's being able to see a Saul, and say, "you're anointed."

i am learning this process - the process of seeing people through God's eyes.
it's bringing my heart to a whole new lightness, and through seeing others' worth, it's speaking worth into my own life.

...and the only way David was able to let Saul go - twice - was with Love. the ultimate Love.
the Love that never fails. the Love that conquers all fears. the Love that compares to no other.

...and the only way we'll see the beauty in the ashes is with Love.
such Love, there is no greater...

all there is left to ask now: can i have more of Your love, God?

you're golden.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

something new is stirring. and i like it.

i'd like to start by saying it is almost that crazy or what?!
i'm actually embracing the speed of our time, with acceptance and joy.
i like the idea of always expecting something great, each day.
...i suppose being in constant expectation is a step into being fully alive...

the past few weeks, i've had much time to think about living, about relationships, about people and the way to see them, and about my heart.
it's actually been really refreshing.

...or so i think.

no but really.
God's just been blowing my mind with new and fresh revelation, and with being in a new house, it's almost as if the physical is a reflection of what is happening in the spiritual.

with heart traits coming to the surface these days, i am finding myself letting go of many beliefs i had, standards, "rules", and judgements - leading to my heart feeling much lighter! actually.
...and i am liking it...i'm liking this lightness. this peace. this feeling that it's right.
along with this freeing of my own heaviness, i'm finding myself freeing someone else - from myself.
...something i should've done years ago...

"the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace...against such things there is no law."
i never truly paid attention to that last bit, until i walked into my basement and the verse was on the wall in large letters and i stood there, staring and reading.
it is then that it hit me: there is no law.

has no law.
no rules.
has no limits.
no law.

it is then that it made sense. ahhhhh!
just as i was being worked on for my 'rules', i come to finally understand why...
ugh - so good, Daddy.

with this freedom and lightness, i am introduced to new living. going about a day at a time, leaving the rest to the One who knows best. i shall trust him, as He has taken care of me so far so well.
and this he is doing. just as the old is being removed - taken away - there is new growth - good fruit is blooming.
and i could not be any more excited of where He is taking me and how he will do it...
i love his surprises; they are exactly what my heart desires (even when i didn't know).
so God, thank you.

as i close this tonight, i want you to know your deepest heart's desires are carefully known by the Creator - and he most definitely does not forget.
much is ahead...

- melody.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

"...and (when) the light is difficult to see - He stands..."

oh, where has time gone?
first day of june, and i am already without words (and it is then that i decide to blog, ironic, right?)
it's's been too long, and this is the perfect night to write.

the past few weeks, i've had thoughts in my head, but just didn't know how to write them out or how to express them.
so, i decided to keep them to myself.

now, i feel the words are wanting to come out.
and i will let them.

it's even hard for me to comprehend where life is going at the moment; things can change so quickly.

i feel like i am watching my life moving forward and forward from afar - amazed at how beautiful it is turning out...
like the things i thought to be impossible but still prayed for are actually coming through -
leaving me speechless.

it's one of those seasons where God tells me things and i still slightly don't believe him and panic and yet, he makes those things happen, saying 'daughter, oh make me smile...i told you...'
He's opened doors, is bringing restoration in wounds, is showing me the beauty out of the dust and the mess - and that - is amazing me...

i have no words for him. he is just perfect in what he does.

just when everything seems undone, when things are burning to the ground and hearts are as low as low can be; just when hope seems so distant, and the light is difficult to see - He stands...

...with you. and things begin to brighten up again...

with Him, all comfort, all provision, all restoration, all love and hope is found.
...and i couldn't ask for a better Lover...

goodnight, readers. keep perservering - it will pay off.

- melody.

Monday, May 10, 2010

welcome to the new decade.

i want to scream.
i want to laugh.
i want to cry.
i want to dance.
i want to sing at the top of my lungs.

i want to type a story as if i knew what i was talking about.
as if the words were flowing right out of me and i knew exactly what i wanted to say.

this is my heart at 10:22 pm on may 10, 2010.

i have such a desire for creativity that i want to burst out of my skin.
i have so much to say that i feel like my soul and mind and spirit are not big enough to contain the ideas and words and pictures and passions.

this feeling comes out of being tired of being tired.

funny how...
...1. such a desire may grow out of being lazy/tired
and 2. that you can be tired from being tired....weird.

i am now 20 (twenty). no more "teen" in my age. and no more '1's in my number.
i was asked a few times, "how does it feel?"
being twenty feels like you're actually alive.
it's weird, i can't really explain it fully. but i can say this: it's like the first 20 years of my life were a test. i passed it. i made it. and now, the real deal begins. i've discovered myself. i know myself (or so i think). now, i must take on the world. with everything that i know, i must go full force and take over.

so, on my 20th birthday, i felt alive.

now, of course, my walk has just begun. i have a whole lot more about myself to learn and a whole lot more to modify. i feel like a whole piece of me has been taken away; like the child-like heart has no more hope within me.
what a lie.

this is just the beginning for opening up my child-like heart.

i have a whole world before me in need of the "child's" faith that i can give.
i have a world in need...of me. of the Jesus inside of me. of the close friendship i have with him.

all this to say, i am excited for the places i will go, for the people i will meet, and for the amazing things in store for me.
God has just been blowing my mind from the day before my birthday. he has so many surprises for his daughter, and all i want to do is dance of joy.

i love you all so, so, so much.
- melody.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

You are God. and i am still.

i think no other place right now can be as helpful as here.
and here is where i will be, spilling my heart. out onto a table like a full glass spilling.

i'm going to make this very honest, which might make me very vulnerable and fragile; but i'm willing to take the risk.

these past few days/weeks have been kind of hard.
i mean, i'm able to laugh, smile, and make you believe that i've got it all together.

when inside, my heart is just crying.
and truthfully, there are bits of me that don't know why.

i'm mostly indoors, at home, waiting on replies from job openings. or i'm designing.
...or i find myself pondering over everything and anything...
leaving my brain to be in such a mess sometimes.

i want to ask God why i'm being left here doing very little - when he clearly knows that my heart is desiring so many things.
i want to be transfered to heaven at this very moment so that i can physically and tangibly feel his arms around me.
and for that one moment out of time, i would be abe to feel like everything will be 100% okay.

i find myself sitting on my couch sometimes and just feeling so awefully alone.

...even though, i know that i am not...

i just held OCAD's letter of acceptance in my hands about an hour ago and i haven't felt so scared reading something in a very long time. any amount of money just makes me feel incredibly trapped.


i want to trust God, and i do! i trust him. i trust him. i trust him. with all of this.
but my heart is screaming "WHEN". just when is this all going to come through!?'s so hard to live day by day, being pressured to live like the world and in my parents' eyes, to be seen like someone who is doing very little and trying very little...
it's so tough.

...but i'm holding on to hard and terrifying as it can be, i am...

and the midst of it all, i will say "You are good. You are good."

sometimes, it's just hard even feeling His presence...

i just want to feel joy...unconditional joy...

...i want to end this, saying that God - your promises are all true. if one is true, then all are true.
so i will take you at your word when you say you are provider.
i will take you at your word when you call yourself the restorer.

i look you in the eyes...and i am still. i am quiet. and i am knowing You. are God.

i love you all, and i appreciate any kind of prayer from you and any word of encouragement.
you are all so wonderful.

- melody.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

fears and tears.

i am listening to probably one of the most beautiful songs of all time, "tornado" by jonsi.
it might be what triggered the desire to write this.

music or not, i need to write.
it's one of those things that make me feel alive. that make me feel like i have a purpose.
for some reason, coming back to this blog and updating it, is a reminder to me that i am meant for great things. it's a strange phenomenon.

i would just like to take a moment to thank you all so incredibly much for reading.
for giving me a reason to write. (so really, you are one of the reasons i feel alive.)
i would never have imagined that my writing could touch hearts, and it does.
i am blown away. and for that, i thank you. i thank you for amazing me.

the reason for this post is just plain and simple (not so much though - ha!):
i've been thinking. about how i depend on certain hopes. or dreams. or promises.
a lot.
i'm someone who gets very easily excited over an idea, and when it involves other people i get more excited.
and i hold on very tightly to the hope that whatever was thought through will happen.
it can be as simple as planning a hangout. and when it doesn't happen, somewhere inside of me expected it. like it had already happened before, and in the back of my mind i was always fearing it. and then, it breaks me.

welcome to my mind, really.

but i mean, i'm sure you can relate. it's a cycle that i am slowly working through to break, but it's something i have discovered in myself. i get attached to dreams and ideas very easily.
and i'm afraid to think of anything else but their successes. in a sense, i am quite afraid of failure.

i've come to learn a lot on what i depend on. when God kind of removes what your heart leans on and you notice it's not there anymore and you kind of feel uncomfortable because it's no longer there, that's really when you learn what/who you depend on.
i'm not so much dependent on money itself. more like its sources. i found myself in a comfortable place with a job and an income. and then i found myself without one.
it's been a couple months.
and i'm finding myself needing to let go of the comfort of 'money security'.

funny how my job was only 3 months, and i already got comfortable.

so these past months have been all about how to lay my head on God's shoulders and not Mr. Job.

i've also come to realize how much i depend on certain hopes. and these have been a little trickier. harder to deal with. i suppose...

...i suppose...

you know when you have a certain hope or idea in your mind for a very long time, and you begin to get used to this idea and begin to revolve life around it a lot but don't realize you are.
when that hope begins to be so real, but only because it's so often in your mind. and then things happen and that hope or idea just seems to have walked away from you and it's too far away now for you to even run after. you can't seem to see it in the face anymore. and when you try to think back at how wonderful that idea was, it turns into a bitter experience.

ha - this might only make sense to me. but i just felt like sharing a piece of my heart to you might relate.

it's just...hard when you realize that you've been holding on to those dreams you've had or hopes or ideas more than the actual Promiser or Creator or Dreamer himself.
it can hurt to let go. it did for me.

it still kind of does.

...but there's a certain beauty in not knowing how things will happen. and just jumping out of the nest and knowing that whatever happens, whether you fall or fly the first time, you'll be okay.
because you are not alone. because my God promises to always, always be there.
because my God promises a life to the fullest. and that, i will believe 100%.
because not once has my God failed me. even though my heart may fear, i won't act on that worry. i will trust. i will jump for joy because He is good. He is the Provider. the Promiser. the Dreamer.

...and just because i let go, does not mean that the dream will not happen...
i'm just telling God that i trust him more than any dream or idea. that he is the reason.

in this experience of just "being without doing", i am learning so much on what it means to lean on God. "trusting God" is becoming more real to me, and for that, i am so grateful.
it becomes very refreshing, actually, to have only him to depend on.
it makes life exciting and adventurous. not knowing what comes next.

and where my heart is concerned, were working through these cycles.
one day it will all make sense...



Thursday, March 25, 2010

let's go to places never seen before!

well hello again, my dear friends.
it has been quite a while since i have seriously written/blogged.

but do not fear, for i am still in desire to write.

i've been wanting to express a very small part of my heart on the subject of 'creativity'.
i started thinking about this when i was visiting OCAD - ontario college of art and design.

creativity, according to the dictionary, is
the ability to produce something new through imaginative skill, whether a new solution to a problem, a new method or device, or a new artistic object or form.
or more simply the power or ability to invent.


the more i think about this definition, the more i'm faced with these questions:
doesn't that include all of us?
why has creativity been turned into such a complicated, abstract "trait"?
could we have possibly damaged the purity of creativity?

i know. i'm quite a thinker. but i couldn't help but wonder.
if creativity is simply the ability to invent; to create, doesn't that mean that every time someone creates something from scratch...there is creativity within?

what boggles my mind (if boggle is even a proper word) is the way the world is dealing with creativity. the way we've labelled certain people 'creative' and others more 'intellectuals'.

the way we've separated the 'artsy' and...the 'non-artsy'. the 'crazy' and the 'normals'.

when really, we have all created at least once in our lives. we have all found a solution to a problem at least once in our lives. we have all imagined forms and objects out of the norm at least once in our lives.

and that, my friends, is creativity.
within every single one of us lives creativity.

the best part? well...
that creativity is alive.

God has created man and woman in his image - putting his traits inside of us. making us a reflection of him - inside and out. He created. and therefore,
we create.
and therefore, the Creator himself is within us.
and therefore, his creativity is a part of us
all. a part of us all.


i am actually, in this moment, carrying the creator himself within me.
the same creativity that created the stars, the delicate trees, and the transparency of water is a part of me. and you. and you. and you.

of course, it's an overwhelming creativity. so, it takes process to discover.
it takes time to reveal itself to us.
it takes desire to know more.
it takes pursuit.
...and we will probably never fully know the power and immensity of this creativity until face to face with the Creator himself.
and even then...

so, take the time to imagine. imagine and dream. and just know, that your dreams and imagination are real. are possible. it's just a matter of spending time with the Creator himself; asking him questions, asking him for advice, for tips (haha! yes, why not?), for ideas and inspiration.

and...well...go out there and create! create whatever your mind can come up with.
don't be afraid! every single one of us holds this creativity.
it is not only left for certain people. it's within us all.
whether at an 'art school' or a univeristy, you are free to create. free to invent something no one else has ever made before. free to paint the heaven in your mind. free to build the home of your dreams. free to sing the melodies of your heart.

you are free.
to create.
to invent.
to dream.
to imagine.

there are no limitations to creativity.'s time for you to go to places you have never been to before...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

LET'S BE HONEST: answer set 2.2

Question #2: what is the hardest part when it comes to Love?

"the hardest part when it comes to love....that really depends on yourself."

"I think Love should be the easiest thing to do. God is love and he created us to love. But yet there are those people we just don't like. I think we all struggle with that. I always ask God how he sees people and i try to look at it from his perspective. But it's sometimes super hard. 1 Corinthians 13:4 is a great description of love. We were all created to love and be loved!"

"I guess it would be finding it?"

"Good one! For me, having never been in a serious, romantic relationship before, my concept of love comes from the relationship I have with God. For that... I think the hardest part is maintaining it. I can go to a great conference or worship service and get amazing, new revelation from God and be all ecstatic and loving him... and then a week later I'm suddenly too busy to include him in my day. But what keeps astounding me is his grace and love for me. He has never once judged me for getting caught up in life or walking away or making excuses not to hang out with him or anything! And with the amount of love that he keeps showing he has for me, it makes it easier to keep coming back to his heart. And it makes we WANT to be all the more closer to him, and for longer periods of time. So my conclusion is that the hardest thing about love for me personally, is impermanent. And the love itself is too strong to be held down by simply losing motivation. I find that encouraging: to know we can overcome the hardest part!"

"I have no clue yet... but I will find out soon"

"Finding it? hahaha Whatever kind of love it is the hardest thing to do is have faith in the other person and without some form of faith you really can't have love right?"

"The sacrifice it takes to true give yourself to someone. But that being said it's also the most rewarding part of love!"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

LET'S BE HONEST: answer set 2.1

Question #2: what is the hardest part when it comes to Love?
"When it dies, its hard to let go"

"Finding it."

"The hardest part when it comes to love is trusting the person to not break your heart."

"having patience and the strength to go threw tough times and face lifes many obstacles together."

"Letting go...? Hah"

"Learning that it's not about you. Most of us are crippled by that."

"if you're talking love as in the love of God, I'd say keeping the candle burning. I mean, we all have a passion for love, but to keep it burning is another thing. it's commitment, and something you have to do daily or else you lose that commitment and slowly fall into a mindset you don't want. When it comes to relationships, I'd say the hard part is having patience to find the guy/girl tailored for you."

Saturday, March 6, 2010


Question #2: what is the hardest part when it comes to Love?

i'm excited about this one.

broken hearts and a messy community.

i wanted to write about creativity, but i really feel like my heart has something else in mind.

this past week has just been a strange week.

everytime i think about community and relationships, i am reminded of Where The Wild Things Are.
weird, i know.
but it's true!

the movie shows a family of 'wild things' trying to be happy together; it just gets messy, difficult, and...well,...wild.
but in the end, they are still a family; they are still a community.'s just that alone, things are simple. when someone else comes into the picture, things can get a little harder - a little messier.

life would be incredibly easy if every single one of us lived in a box and never left it.
it would also be incredibly boring.

i find it so beautiful how God created us FOR community. he could have created us with a heart only desiring nothing but ourselves. but he didn't.
he put in us a desire to be with other people.
and even Him, himself - the all-powerful, the all-knowing - has a passion and desire to be with us. ....argh.

sharing bits and pieces of our hearts with other people can lead to a lot of brokeness. it's a risk.
they can take your bits and pieces and make a joke of them. they can twist them around and break them.
and you're left hurt; wounded.

i've come to realize that we are all hurting. we all carry a broken heart.
we all need fixing. we all need healing.
and when two people argue, two people fight, two people hurt, two people steal, two people hit, two people kill - there are two broken hearts.

so, i guess, what my point is...let's try and honor each other's hearts and really love.
it's by waiting, by embracing, by sincerety, by encouragement, by understanding, by being hopeful, by seeing the gold in the pile of dust, and it's by pursuing the True Lover that our hearts will become braver, stronger, and more loving.


ps. this is totally God. without knowing, i get this super challenging yet hopeful question on formspring about broken hearts; check it out:

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

LET'S BE HONEST: answer set 2.

Question: if you could absolutely anything in the world, what would that thing be?

"I guess enough money to pay off all my bills and live comfortably."

"ahh, too much"

"Kindergarten Teacher"
"hmmm....not sure I really would love to record a cd or maybe go to the oscars. Not sure there are so many things I would love to do."

Sunday, February 28, 2010

LET'S BE HONEST: answer set 1.

Question: if you could absolutely anything in the world, what would that thing be?

"i'm probably going to answer this in parts so here goes:
Start fresh. It says in the Bible that if we believe in Jesus, and if we ask for forgiveness, we will be forgiven and our sins will be forgotten. I'm far from perfect so my faith in Christ... that really gives me everything I need.
Haha, but that doesn't answer the question so much so...that thing would be doing something where I would be serving God full-time and getting married and possibly moving to Australia. I'd love to travel and be able to serve through music, showing God's Love to the people in the world, that's what I could do."

"I'm really not sure fly? maybe idk well hmm yeah i dont know"

"In which case it's to buy a veggie van and live on the road, trusting God for my everything (food, shelter, protection) playing some music along the way would be awesome. Finding ways to help out however small they may be. :) Why... we'll it may not be glamourous but i'm positive i'll get more out of it then any 9 to 5 will ever give me!"

"Wow that is a vague question but I'll try my best. I want to do something that actually matters you know what I mean? I mean sure some things get you all the wealth and security you need but that isn't true happiness...I want to be able to know that I'm making a positive change in someone's life, directly or indirectly :)"

"I think I'd want to go hiking with God across Iceland. We'd sit down and have a little chat about my life and my heart, we'd eat pomegranates, and explore Iceland until the sun goes down. I'm really hoping that happens one day."

"I would be a rockstar/artist living in a country home where it is perpetually summer and yet somehow is in the heart of Toronto or Van."

"I've got to put 2 answers; one for what I would do right now... one for the long-term plan. :)
Right now, I would love to travel as the intern I already am with CTF leaders abroad to really any other countries for conferences and events. It's the best part of my job and I don't get around much.
Long term: go to the moon... and through my dad, (God), redeem the film and television industries."

more to come!