Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I have to know who I am, before letting myself go.

Beautiful, You are.
the past few days have been the most contradicting ones i've lived. i've actually been in war, if you'd like. a very important one. it's the battle between my own self, the devil, and God.
intense, don't you think?
oh, it is.
my mind has never been in such deep action before, or at least i don't think.
it's like, i'm being attacked in my new self, allowing my old self to come back again, but fighting back with the one and only strength i can find: Jesus.

"Melody, go back to uselessness, will you? Life has no purpose, stop living a real life. Why not be fake? It's all worth it, really. It's easier. Your enemy, the Devil."

so, why again did i let these thoughts get to me? they seemed pretty convincing when i heard them, but behind the scheme is a schemer, a cheater, and a liar.
actually, the devil does not care one bit what i become, as long as i fall to the lowest of all levels and stay there. hm, doesn't sound like a plan to me.
then i heard a second voice, and this one seemed to come from a better place, perhaps the place i've been running away from accidentally.

"Melody, you are my daughter and I know your pain, I can feel it. Every tear you shed, I carry them each in a cup. I watch you fall down on your knees every night, I hear your cries, and I am here. I am here and always have been. In me, you will find comfort. It's going to be okay, trust me. I am here for you, always. You are my daughter, and I am King of all kings. Don't fear, hush my baby. I am your strength, and I am bigger than all your worries and troubles, so keep me close to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. Don't fear, my child, for I hold you in my arms. I love you so much, that I cry with you. I will give everything for you, and have given you everything. I love you. Love, your Daddy."

...this is where the contradiction comes in. in the midst of all this fighting and confusion, all of this pain and stress, i found some kind of comfort and beauty. it was like, everything stood still for a few seconds and those seconds felt like an entire eternity.
i guess that's what love is.
seeing beauty in the wreckage. finding hope in the dark places of our hearts. aiming for healing in the midst of brokenness.

i guess this is who God is.

i long to see the Real Him.
but i'm too caught up in myself. in my worries, in my fears, in my battles. i forgot that in His presence, i am nothing but a speck. and so are my troubles. that in his presence, i am everything to him, all because i have decided to let myself go. i have to.
and i had forgotten about that. letting myself go...saying goodbye to "me". that's kinda hard, to be honest. i mean, i live with myself 24/7. i've grown to be my own best friend and enemy at the same time. to give myself up is a hard task. but i'm willing to do it all, for God himself.
he deserves it, i mean i owe it all to him, for saving my very own life. for saving me. that same "me" who's not able to give herself up.
well, tonight i say that i give myself Him.
to you.
to compassion and true love. to serving those in need. to make it all about You, and nothing about me.
the new me, is all about You. and this week, i'v been given the chance to explore that person a little more. (it's always good to learn more about yourself, i mean really each day is a new chance to discover something new about one's self. seeing the changes? that is another story...)
i'm afraid.
i'm broken.
i'm selfish.
i'm not-so-compassionate.
i'm weak.
i'm in need of you...
i'm small.
i'm easily annoyed.
i'm proud.
i'm lost.

and that is who God created. so that some day (like tonight), i will find the need to find Him. i will find the simply need him. and i am.
i'm finding him in the pain, in the brokenness, in the battles.
he's there. waiting for me.
here i am.
here i am, Dad.
take me home. where i want to be.
...and it is in your arms.

and that is why, You are beautiful.
in the midst of the pain, the confusion, in the middle of the mess and the battle, there you are.
Beautiful, You are. (my God)
"Be still, and know that I am God."

- melody :)

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